Walking away from a toxic relationship, a draining job, or an unsafe space is not selfish, it’s survival.
Dear readers, how often do we applaud someone for their courage to endure suffering, yet call them selfish when they finally choose themselves? Our society sometimes praises endurance in silence more than liberation in action. But as Professor Ama Ata Aidoo of blessed memory once said, “The freedom of women is the freedom of society itself.” When a woman chooses her peace of mind over chaos, she is not only rescuing her soul but also rewriting the narrative for generations coming after her.
In every culture, parables remind us that self-preservation is not a crime. The Yoruba would say, “Eni tí kò bá iyi f’ọ́kàn balẹ, kò le gbé ayé tìtì” (the one who does not value inner peace cannot live a lasting life). Likewise, Chinua Achebe warned us that, “The world is like a mask dancing; if you want to see it well, you do not stand in one place.” Choosing oneself sometimes means moving, shifting, and walking away from the stage that no longer honours your dance.
When a woman decides to leave a relationship that diminishes her, she is not abandoning love; she is choosing life. When she resigns from a job that drains her spirit without reward, she is not rejecting ambition; she is reclaiming dignity. And when she turns her back on an environment that threatens her safety, she is not being dramatic; she is obeying the oldest law of nature: survival.
I often tell my colleagues, citing Professor bell hooks, that “love is not love if it harms.” Many women have been conditioned to confuse endurance with virtue, forgetting that suffering in silence only benefits the oppressor. Dear readers, we must remember: silence in the face of oppression is not golden; it is rust that eats away at the soul.
Choosing oneself is an act of bravery clothed in misunderstood garments. Some will say, “She is selfish.” Others will whisper, “She has changed.” But change is the only constant in life. It is the river that refuses to stay stagnant, the bird that must fly when its wings are ready. If a woman chooses herself, it is because she has finally recognized that her worth is not tied to another’s approval.
There is an Igbo proverb that says, “He who will hold another down in the mud must stay in the mud to keep him down.” In the same way, those who call a woman selfish for choosing herself are only revealing the mud of their insecurities. For every woman who walks away, there is a story of bruised dreams, suppressed talents, or silenced voices. Walking away becomes the first chapter of healing.
Globally, scholars agree on this truth. Harvard professor Nancy Etcoff, in her studies on happiness and self-worth, notes that “the ability to walk away from toxic situations is a predictor of long-term well-being.” This is no longer mere opinion but fact supported by science: women who honour themselves by making difficult choices often live longer, healthier, and fuller lives.
So, let us not mock the woman who chooses herself. Instead, let us applaud her as we do the one who survives a storm. For choosing oneself is like a farmer choosing to plant good seeds rather than waste time on barren soil. One day, the harvest will show why she made that choice.
As an orator once put it, “You cannot pour from an empty cup.” When a woman chooses herself, she is refilling her cup. And in time, she will pour generously into the lives of others — but from abundance, not from lack.
Choosing oneself is not selfish. It is survival. It is wisdom. And most importantly, it is freedom.
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