Today, I want to talk about men, our home, the olórí ilé, the father.
The one who, by tradition and by divine structure, carries the burdens of the home on his shoulders, and holds the compass to guide the family ship. But what happens when that compass is broken? When the one meant to build becomes the very one tearing down the foundation, what becomes of the house?
“Ilé ti a bá fi itọ́ mọ , ìrì ni ó wo”. A house built with saliva will collapse when dew falls. If a man was raised without love, empathy, or example, how do we expect him to give what he has never received?
Many men today are carrying the weight of poor upbringing. Not just financially, but emotionally. You see a man yelling at his wife for burning rice, not because she did something so terrible, but because that’s how he saw his father respond when his mother erred. In his mind, shouting equals correction. Agbàlagbà tó nṣe bí ọmọdé, ohun tó kọ́ lẹ́kọ̀ọ́ nìyẹn “, an adult acting like a child only reveals what he never learned”.
Let’s be clear: childhood is the rehearsal stage for adulthood. If you were never shown love, how will you become a loving partner? If your father was never present, never gentle, never accountable, what then was your model of manhood? Some men cheat because they saw their fathers do it, and their mothers endured it silently. They believe that’s just the norm, “men will be men.” But that phrase is a prison sentence cloaked in tradition.
Take Kola, for instance. He yells at his wife for every small mistake. She forgets to iron his shirt… insults.
She spills water.. curses. Why? Because he grew up in a house where his father was a tyrant, and his mother was the sacrificial lamb. Love was never taught, only control was. And now, he’s become what he saw, not knowing it’s not love, it’s trauma on repeat.
Abi Ogbeni Bashir, who believes women should tolerate cheating because his mother did. He has no idea the emotional wound it causes because his mother never spoke up. But silence is not strength, it is often the sound of suffering.
We must unlearn. We must pause and ask: Am I loving my partner the way I want to be loved? If the answer is no, start again.
A French proverb says, “Il faut cultiver notre jardin”, which means “we must cultivate our garden”. Our home is that garden. It needs constant nurturing. A man who cannot lead with love is like a blind man guiding a caravan through the desert; he will surely get lost, and so will everyone behind him.
Sadly, some men are not just wounded, they are wilfully ignorant. They know better, but choose not to do better. Raised in homes where arrogance was applauded and kindness was seen as weakness, they become men who confuse ego with authority. No amount of love will fill their emotional vacuum, because love is not magic, it’s a mutual journey of learning, humility, and growth.
Dear men, your upbringing may not be your fault, but your behaviour now is your responsibility. Relearn. Grow. Be better. Treat your wife the way you want your daughter to be treated. If you don’t want to carry your wife’s emotional corpse, then stop stabbing her with neglect, cheating, and disrespect.
Home is not just a building. It’s a feeling. And you, Olórí ilé, must carry that feeling with honour.
Let love begin with you — unlearn to relearn.
Published on July 12, 2025
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